Sex and relationships
Are you ready for sex?
Whether you’ve been together for years or you’ve only just met, it’s important to talk about sex if it’s going to be part of your relationship. Talking about sex doesn't have to be difficult or embarrassing. If you feel that it is, there are ways to make it easier.
Discussing issues such as contraception, sexually transmitted infections (STIs), or what you like and don’t like, lets you both share your thoughts, expectations and worries. It can help you make decisions together that suit you both.
NHS Choices has more advice and helpful tips about talking to a partner about sex, discussing their sexual history, contraception and using condoms.
When is the right time for sex?
Most people have sex for the first time when they're 16 or older, not before. If someone’s boasting about having sex, it’s possible that they’re pretending.
Although there's a legal age of consent, it’s not necessarily the right age for you to start having sex.
There are no rules about how long you have to be going out with someone before you do it. Being ready happens at different times for everyone – don't decide to have sex just because your friends or partners are pressuring you.
You can always choose whether you want to have sex, whoever you’re with. Just because you’ve done it before, even with the same person, doesn’t mean that you have to do it again. Working out whether you’re ready is one of life’s big decisions. You’re the only one who can, and should, decide. Whether you’re thinking about losing your virginity or having sex again, NHS Choices has a series of tips.
Good sex
If you want to make the most of your sex life, NHS Choices has a number of sex tips which are a good way to start. As long as you’re talking and listening to each other, you’re well on the way to a healthy sex life. However, even the most contented lovers can have fun trying new things – see the following website for a few ideas. NHS Choices also has lots of other information on aspects of enjoying good sex, such as sexual arousal in women and men, and female and male sexual problems.
Relationships in later life
Your sex life might change as you get older, but that doesn’t mean it has to be any less fun. According to a survey by Saga (an online social community for the over-50s), 65% of the over-50s are sexually active, with 46% saying they have sex once a week. And 85% said that sex is less pressurised than when they were younger, proving that sex can feel better with age.
Sexual desires and activity aren’t static. They change throughout life for lots of reasons, such as having children, coming to terms with sexual orientation or physical or mental illness. Growing older can also have an effect on sex, but it’s important to realise that this is normal. NHS Choices has more information on relationships in later life including stories and videos on having new relationships, sexually transmitted infections (STIs) and contraception after the menopause.
Age of consent
In England, the age of consent for any form of sexual activity for both men and women is 16.
The Sexual Offences Act 2003 introduced a new series of laws to protect children under 16 from sexual abuse. However, the law is not intended to prosecute jointly agreed teenage sexual activity between two young people of a similar age, unless it involves abuse or exploitation.
Specific laws protect children under 13, who cannot legally give their consent to any form of sexual activity. There is a maximum sentence of life imprisonment for rape, assault by penetration and causing or inciting a child to engage in sexual activity. Mistaken belief about the child’s age is not a defence with under 13s.
More information is available from the FPA website.
New relationships
If you’ve just met a new partner and if sex is part of your relationship - or is going to be - it’s important to talk about it and take as much time as you both need to be ready for sex. Talking about sex doesn’t have to be difficult or embarrassing and there are ways to make it easier.
Discussing issues such as contraception, sexually transmitted infections (STIs), or what you like and don’t like lets you both share your expectations and worries. It can help you make decisions together that suit you both.
NHS Choices has more advice and helpful tips on talking to a new partner about sex, discussing their sexual history, contraception and using condoms.
One-night stand
If you think you might have sex with someone you’ve just met, always carry condoms with you and make sure that you use them if you have sex.
Bring up the subject of using condoms before having sex. Don’t wait until there’s contact between your genitals and your partner’s genitals. This is too late. Put on the condom before there’s any genital contact and before using sex toys.
Think in advance about when you could mention using a condom. In your mind, establish a line that you won’t cross until you bring up the subject. For example, you could decide that your zip can’t be undone until you’ve talked about condoms.
If you've had unprotected sex and are worried about getting pregnant, see our Emergency Contraception page for more information about what types of emergency contraception are available and where you can access them.
For more tips on talking about and using condoms visit NHS Choices.
Emotions, attraction and relationships
Sexual health isn’t just about protecting yourself from getting sexually transmitted infections or becoming pregnant. There are lots of emotions involved in sex and relationships and it’s important to be in a relationship that makes you feel good.
Sometimes emotions can be confusing, so it’s useful to talk to other people about how you’re feeling. This could be your friends, parents or other relatives, or an adult who you trust, such as a teacher. Sometimes this might seem difficult, but being able to open up and talk to someone who you know will listen will help you feel less alone. You might even find that other people have been in a similar situation and are able to share their experiences and advice with you.
Relationships and Emotions
All relationships are different and it’s OK to have a few ups and downs, but overall, it should be enjoyable for you and your partner.
In a healthy relationship, there should be shared respect and trust between you and your partner. You should be confident that they value you and trust that they want to be with you. It’s also important that you can talk openly and honestly with your partner about your feelings. You shouldn’t be made to feel like you aren’t able to have friends outside of your relationship, or as if your partner is in control of you. If your relationship does make you feel unhappy, then you shouldn’t have to stay together.
Relationships can come to an end for many different reasons and breaking up with someone can be a difficult thing to deal with. Sometimes, even though it feels bad at the time, it can be a better thing for both of you.
Sexual Attraction
Sometimes it’s scary to let a person know that you’re attracted to them in case they don’t feel the same way, or you might be worried about what other people will think. It can be exciting to find out that the person you like is interested in you too, but if they don’t feel the same way, remember that there are plenty of other people out there too.
Not everyone is only attracted to people of the opposite sex, some people are attracted to people of the same sex, some people are attracted to both and some are attracted to neither. These are all OK and the basics of a healthy relationship are the same, whoever you are attracted to.
Becoming comfortable with your sexuality can be confusing or difficult and it can be helpful to talk about your feelings with someone you trust. Remember that who you tell is your choice.
Pornography
What is pornography?
Pornography (often referred to as ‘porn’) is sexually explicit material which people may choose to view to experience sexual arousal or excitement.
Pornography exists in various forms, including video, pictures, audio, magazines and books. Although a person must be 18 before they can legally buy pornographic magazines or access pornography on regulated websites, it is widely available and easily accessible to young people.
Is watching pornography harmful?
Many people choose to view pornography; some couples may choose to watch it together and some people may watch it alone. It becomes a problem if it starts to interfere with other areas of their lives, such as their sex life, relationships, family life or work. If it is causing problems then it is important to address the issue and seek help. The following websites may be helpful:
- Sex Addiction Help
- ATSAC – Association for the Treatment of Sexual Addiction & Compulsivity
- Sex Addicts Anonymous
- Relate - 0300 100 123
- Sex And Love Addicts Anonymous
- NHS Choices
- Net Doctor
Young people and pornography
In a recent survey carried out by the NSPCC, it was found that one in five children aged between 12 and 13 think that watching porn is normal behaviour.
Nearly one in 10 children aged 12-13 are worried that they might be addicted to porn and around one in five of those surveyed (aged 11-17) said that they’d seen pornographic images that had shocked or upset them.
Twelve per cent admitted to making or being part of a sexually explicit video.
It’s important that young people are able to learn about healthy relationships and sexual behaviours from places other than pornography.
Issues such as consent and personal boundaries are displayed very differently in porn to ‘real-life’ relationships.
The FPA has more information about separating fantasy from reality.
Information for parents about how to talk to young people about the risks surrounding pornography can be found on the NSPCC website.
If you’re a young person and you’re worried about pornography, there’s more information on the Childline website.
Sexting and Revenge Porn
It’s illegal to distribute private sexual photos or videos of someone online without their consent and with the intention of causing them distress.
Sexting involves sending or receiving texts, images or videos that contain sexually explicit content. Sometimes these can fall into the wrong hands and end up posted on the internet on social networks or even pornography sites. If the person was under 18 when the photos or videos were taken, this is also illegal and considered to be distributing an indecent image of a child.
If you’re worried about revenge porn and sexting you can find more information here:
- Revenge Porn Helpline - 0845 6000 459 (10-4 Mon-Fri)
- TheSite
- Parents Protect!
- Childline
What does the law say?
Certain types of pornography, known as extreme pornographic images, are illegal for anyone to possess. These include pornography that’s likely to threaten a person’s life or cause serious injury, degrading porn, violent porn (including rape and abuse), bestiality (sexual activity between a human and an animal) and anything involving people under the age of 18.
Further information surrounding the law and extreme pornographic images can be found on the Crown Prosecution Service website and more information about the law and sex in general can be found on the FPA Website.
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Menopause and premenstrual syndrome (PMS)
The menopause is a natural event affecting all women. It can be accompanied by symptoms such as flushing, sweating, period problems, vaginal discomfort, urinary symptoms and emotional changes. Women of this age often have multiple life roles to manage including caring for children still living at home or an elderly or disabled person.
PMS is the name given to the physical, psychological and behavioural symptoms that can occur in the two weeks before a woman's monthly period. It is also known as premenstrual tension (PMT). Many women experience some symptoms before a period, such as breast tenderness, food cravings and a change in mood due to changes in hormone levels.
For more information, you can also visit the Menopause: A Guide and Menopause, Sex and Relationships patient information webpages from the Family Planning Association.
Although many women experience few problems, a number of women experience severe symptoms which affect their quality of life and will benefit from up-to-date advice. You can find further information on the following websites.